I believe in order to see progression in life you must sometimes go back and reflect on the past. When I go back over my entire life I begin to see the whole picture and this is where the pieces began to fall into place.
As I reflect back I begin to understand how the dsyfunction from my family life and the various types of abuse changed my outlook on life. The only way I knew how to deal with things was to isolate myself and not trust anyone but myself, not even God.
Through my earlier childhood until the age of nine I was a somewhat normal kid who grew up in a dysfunctional home with lots of fighting and instability, but I had happy times and believed in God. This would seem easy compared to what would come for the next sixteen years of my life.
During those sixteen years I was bullied, molested, raped, emotionally and physically abused. It left many scars and wounds that I suppressed which caused resentment, anger, isolation, emotional detachment, and spirtual void.
I finally began to understand there was deeper root to my problem. I realized I blamed God for all the things that happened to me. How could a loving God let all those bad things happen. I then began to understand that with good there is evil and no matter how good you are it doesn't mean bad things won't happen to you.
This was my first revelation in understanding where my anger truly existed. I then later on realized that evil is in the world, we can't control everything that happens in life and we can't control other people's bad behavior. I can only control myself in how I treat others and how I react to things in my life.
Then came forgiving all those who had hurt me. Even though I may never see any justice in this world, I know one day they will someday have to go before God and be judged for their actions.
As I forgave all those who had failed me, I had to forgive myself and had to let go of the responsibilty of all the things I could not control. I had to tell the girl inside who was failed so many times by people that I was letting her know she had no responsibility in all the things that had happened to her. For the first time I stood up not only for the younger girl inside but I also stood up for myself for the first time.
I now have healed a lot from those wounds and I also have renewed my relationship with Christ. There were so many times I look back and I thought I was alone but then I realized God was always there picking me up each time and pushing me to never give up.
Now, as I look back I have come so far from where I was thirty, even fifteen years ago. I now have a purpose in my life which is compassion and caring for others who are still going through the darkness from abuse. I will now give back what I felt I had to do on my own. There is no reason for people to go through the pain of abuse alone.
I hope someday, someone will do the same for another. If one person passes encouragement, support and compassion to other survivors then my vision will be complete. Thanks for all those who stand up and make a difference.
